Half a decade

Y’all knew this post was coming. There’s one nearly every year.

It’s been 5 years. Half a decade since mom died. Things are better this year than in years past. I actually feel safe leaving the house this year, which is good since I have classes. Years past I have not felt safe, have not wanted to leave the house, have wanted to just stay in bed or playing video games all day. This year I am going to my abnormal psych class, recording a video for my ASL class, and then going to Tai Chi. Home at 7 to do…I don’t know. Normally we’d watch V for Vendetta but I don’t want to watch it while The Boy is awake. Probably watch a couple TV shows and go to bed, maybe early. As usual I am staying away from my social media and my email – things that are hard for me to do, but places where I am not safe from other people’s grief. I’m certain that I’ll have an email or message from my uncle at the very least. Yes, he is entitled to his grief. No, I am still not amenable to having his grief shoved at me. I’m rather insular in my grief (says the girl blogging about it, I know, I know). I talk to Aaron and…yeah, that’s about it. And this year I won’t even do that because I’m afraid it will bring up his own grief at his father’s passing earlier this year. The last thing I want to do is trigger him!

Dad is planning on “breaking up” with M tomorrow. They got news today about upcoming surgeries and he simply can’t handle it. After living through mom’s last 5 years from her initial cancer diagnosis and having ever-increasing responsibility placed on him, he cannot handle being with someone who is not healthy and active. I don’t think he realized what tomorrow is, date-wise. He told me to prepare for a call/text from M and I told him that I am not answering calls or texts, checking my email or my social media. Since this is the only time of year I do that, I imagine he remembers (if he indeed forgot, which I’m not sure how he could do except that I know how dates fly by my brain) so I don’t know now if he’ll wait. I don’t much care. They’ve been on the skids for months now and I’ll be happy to have it done.

*sigh* I don’t know how to end this post. I could ramble but I have to finish dinner and brush my hair and get The Boy ready for bed and…yeah. Thank you for reading!

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One Response to Half a decade

  1. Cathy says:

    I’m sorry it’s a hard day for you. Holing up sounds like a good plan to me.

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